I think too much. I think ahead. I think behind. I think sideways. I think it all. If it exists, I’ve fucking thought of it. ~Winona Ryder
I am paranoid of a lot of things…
That is what comes with anxiety. Even though it is better than it was a couple years ago it still is there.
Sometimes I will become paranoid of the smallest things and it takes a lot of back and forth in my own head to get myself to move past the paranoia and do what it is that I am paranoid of.
Theme parks are a good example. If I am getting on a ride no matter if I have been on it many times before I will still be paranoid right before I get on. Thoughts of what if I throw up on the ride, what if it breaks down, etc. I will go through this every time I get on a ride. It becomes exhausting, but as years have gone on I have been able to push myself to just do it and think less.
My anxiety and paranoia stem from the fear of the unknown.
Another example is when I had my first ever panic attack. I was sitting in economics and my heart started to race. I felt as though I was having a heart attack and I had that feeling because a couple weeks before I had a little anxiety attack during an exam and had to leave. So during the class I just kept thinking what am I going to do if I feel like I am going to get sick again, what are people going to think about me, etc. All of this happened because I kept thinking “what if” because of something that happened before.
I have been able to control this paranoia and anxiety, but I do not think I will ever overcome it completely.
I become paranoid if people reply slower to me or if it is different or shorter than it usually is. Even though to them it may not mean anything I become overwhelmed with the thought that it could mean more. So the paranoia causes me to start preparing for the worst, I start to build my walls up again.
I know there are a lot of people out there that are going through what I am and some worse than I am.
To those people I say, it may not seem it, but everything will be okay. You are strong and you can do this. It may seem like the world is against you sometimes, but it’s you that is against you. You are going against yourself in your head and you have to remember that, you can do this.
Don’t ever give up.
Surround yourself with people who cause you less paranoia and anxiety. If you surroud yourself with people who understand that you mean no harm, you just overthink and they help you to overcome and not make you feel as though you are a burden you will be able to feel more secure with yourself.
No matter what you are beautiful even if you fight yourself about it sometimes.